Rough Day

Today was a rough day for me as a mom. Just another day where my nerves were crushed by the end of the day, another day where I felt guilty for all the things I didn’t do and felt guilty for all the irritation in my heart, another day when I wondered just how messed up my kids would be as adults because of me.

I don’t have to feel defeated. I can look to Jesus and know that I am saved no matter how poorly I “performed” today as a mom, because my salvation has nothing to do with my performance. It has everything to do with Jesus’ perfect righteousness and his sacrifice for me.

I just want my kids to know… I love you, I want you, and I’m sorry for being a grump. You are special and brilliant and amazing. Goodnight.


Grace Under Pressure

I realized something about myself recently. One reason I don’t like stressful situations is that they reveal my character, which is often ugly under pressure. If I get busy, or I’m running behind, or just plain old something didn’t go exactly as I imagined it would, I get bogged down by stress and I crumble.

Yesterday, we had several things to do in the morning. First was a checkup for the 8 month old at the doctor, during which the doctor wanted me to get yet another urine sample from my 2 year old (long story). So I tried to get that urine sample. If you’ve never tried to get a urine sample from a 2 year old, let me tell you… It’s not as fun as they say it is! That’s when I really began to lose my cool, plus she started to get upset and just couldn’t go. So we left the doctor’s office with a urine sample cup to take home, in order to take the urine sample at home and bring it back to the office later. Woohoo! (Said the liar)

We got home and it was the 8 month old’s naptime, so I put him to bed, thinking he would get some sleep before we headed out again to my 2 year old’s music playtime at church. He screamed the whole time he was in his bed, and it just didn’t make sense to me, and it really bothered me that he wasn’t sleeping. I decided to still take them to church, even though he missed his nap and would surely be super cranky (spoiler surprise: he wasn’t!).

Before we left, though, I decided to try again for the urine sample. The 2 year old still wasn’t cooperating, and as I was trying to hurry around and get ready, my husband tried to get her to pee and what do you know, he was successful. There was pee everywhere, but whatever. So the thing I wanted to have happen, happened, and how did I feel? Happy, right? Wrong. I was angry at my husband because I thought he was trying to show me what a better parent he was than me. Ridiculous, I know.

So we made it to church, attended music playtime, and then drove frantically across town to make it to the doctor’s office with the urine sample before they closed for lunch, so I wouldn’t have to go back across town later in the day. It all seems so petty and stupid, now over a day later, and of course, it is. I felt and behaved like a kid who has no self-control. And I beat myself up over it, feeling sorry for how immature and stupid I can be during the times it really counts. I felt and still feel bad for how harshly I spoke to my daughter and how worked up I got over such small things.

But God gives me grace! Isn’t He good? He is helping me and will continue to help me be a better mother and wife. I really hope I can learn to give grace as well. I have prayed so many times for God to help me. I have sobbed alone and with my husband, grieving my sin and how I have hurt God, myself, my kids, and my husband with my actions and behavior. I will continue to pray that He makes me a better mother and wife, and I’m so glad He has forgiven me and calls me His own. I hope I can show my kids that they need the saving grace of the Savior as much as I do.


“Your husband’s calling is your calling.”

My church had a special service tonight dedicated to the topic of missions. It was for the whole church, but it was aimed at those who have expressed a desire in going on mission, and encouraged others to either go on mission or become a faithful, sacrificial sender. Every Christian is called to do ministry in some way, whether you’re a pastor, missionary, or a stay at home mom who can’t get out much.

The whole service was amazing but one of the things that stuck out to me was when the missionary wives addressed the issue of one spouse not wanting to go on mission when the other did. About this, one wife said, “Your husband’s calling is your calling.”

In the past, I have wanted to go to the foreign mission field. Throughout the years, my husband has made it clear to me that that is not his calling. It has taken me this many years to get to a point where I understand my role a little bit better, and to accept this about my husband. For a while I was irritated with him because he didn’t feel called to go into the foreign mission field – I mean, isn’t that what every good Christian does? Going into the foreign mission field is a mark of spiritual maturity, isn’t it? Well, let me tell you what isn’t a mark of spiritual maturity: undermining your husband’s authority in the household and being angry with him because his goals were different than what you imagined. I was definitely convicted when I heard the missionary speak about this.

There is freedom in embracing the right role. I am embracing that my husband and I are called to minister to people here in the USA, the country I love so dearly. I am trying to let go of certain ideas and expectations I have held for so long. Now that I have a greater understanding of all this, thanks to the women I heard speak at church last night and the countless other wives I’ve known who have been good examples for me, I am excited to see how we will minister to the people around us.