I realized something about myself recently. One reason I don’t like stressful situations is that they reveal my character, which is often ugly under pressure. If I get busy, or I’m running behind, or just plain old something didn’t go exactly as I imagined it would, I get bogged down by stress and I crumble.
Yesterday, we had several things to do in the morning. First was a checkup for the 8 month old at the doctor, during which the doctor wanted me to get yet another urine sample from my 2 year old (long story). So I tried to get that urine sample. If you’ve never tried to get a urine sample from a 2 year old, let me tell you… It’s not as fun as they say it is! That’s when I really began to lose my cool, plus she started to get upset and just couldn’t go. So we left the doctor’s office with a urine sample cup to take home, in order to take the urine sample at home and bring it back to the office later. Woohoo! (Said the liar)
We got home and it was the 8 month old’s naptime, so I put him to bed, thinking he would get some sleep before we headed out again to my 2 year old’s music playtime at church. He screamed the whole time he was in his bed, and it just didn’t make sense to me, and it really bothered me that he wasn’t sleeping. I decided to still take them to church, even though he missed his nap and would surely be super cranky (spoiler surprise: he wasn’t!).
Before we left, though, I decided to try again for the urine sample. The 2 year old still wasn’t cooperating, and as I was trying to hurry around and get ready, my husband tried to get her to pee and what do you know, he was successful. There was pee everywhere, but whatever. So the thing I wanted to have happen, happened, and how did I feel? Happy, right? Wrong. I was angry at my husband because I thought he was trying to show me what a better parent he was than me. Ridiculous, I know.
So we made it to church, attended music playtime, and then drove frantically across town to make it to the doctor’s office with the urine sample before they closed for lunch, so I wouldn’t have to go back across town later in the day. It all seems so petty and stupid, now over a day later, and of course, it is. I felt and behaved like a kid who has no self-control. And I beat myself up over it, feeling sorry for how immature and stupid I can be during the times it really counts. I felt and still feel bad for how harshly I spoke to my daughter and how worked up I got over such small things.
But God gives me grace! Isn’t He good? He is helping me and will continue to help me be a better mother and wife. I really hope I can learn to give grace as well. I have prayed so many times for God to help me. I have sobbed alone and with my husband, grieving my sin and how I have hurt God, myself, my kids, and my husband with my actions and behavior. I will continue to pray that He makes me a better mother and wife, and I’m so glad He has forgiven me and calls me His own. I hope I can show my kids that they need the saving grace of the Savior as much as I do.